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Day 4.
Every day I surprise myself by doing this again. Fabulous. Today my middle (grown) kid got a job choreographing a piece for the students at his own old performing arts high school. This is pretty cool, considering the myriad of emotional years that have passed since he went there. I'm very proud of him, although he has chosen THE most difficult career path (my opinion, I know) which is Dance/choreography ALL while making money. And not just like normal money...but enough to pay monthly student loan bills as large as a mortgage. (while still having a mortgage) Well, actually a rent payment since he couldn't possibly commit to an actual HOUSE with a LOCATION that doesn't change. He called a huge suitcase "home" for the past 20 months,while being employed in Europe. Totally cool sounding I agree. I used to jokingly say he has the life I was meant to have. Only it's kind of true. He is an amazing and talented hard worker and I don't begrudge him anything he has earned. But still. It's a funny thing, when your (grown) kids are going through a messy, sad or uncomfortable time...you sort of feel helpless since they ARE adults and well, you really can't fix this shit at all anyway...but the thing is you still feel like you WANT to. I sure am using a lot of CAPITALIZED words today. Anyway, I think the reward is when they are going through a great, optimistic and fantastic time you get to bask a little in that sunlight as well. So I'm basking right now with this one. It's been a while. I wonder if I will ever feel satisfied and completely at peace with my own life. So many of my years were devoted to raising (great) kids that I didn't really notice how the time slipped away. Well, it didn't really slip, did it?. It vanished. So much of my fulfillment came to me through my children, honestly. When they're small you're busy doing things for/with them and the days fly by. Then when they became older, so much happiness came from seeing where they went, making their own ways... (No, it wasn't always jolly and rosy-there were plenty of screaming swearing fuckin bullshit days where I was pretty sure I was causing permanent damage to their psyche...) (one time my 3 and I left the library screaming and crying on a particularly awful PMS day and we ALL remember this day,even though we laugh about it NOW ,I still cringe a little bit...) But hey. THAT'S life. I am 57 now and just recently started doing some stuff for me. Yoga. Painting. This writing thing. Some other stuff. I've never liked the phrase "finding myself" (sorry if you do) It just sounds so stupid, "finding myself"... I mean, I've been lost of course, like everyone but 'finding myself'? But I suppose that's exactly what I'm doing. Yikes. Hopefully I will continue to make progress in my journey, and not go backwards. x #500wordsaday
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