Day 11. stories.
I bet most of us like reading. I mean, writers read. It's natural. Not that I am referring to myself as a writer...but I AM writing 500 words a day.... So what are y'all reading? I just finished an alright book and am looking for a great one. I have an ongoing list of course...and 5 or 6 to-be-reads, but I love new titles from others. So please. Post below! Do it. Have you read 'Geek Love' by Katherine Dunn? It's so weird and wonderful. A fictional story but the whole time I read it I was thinking it was real. All about how this bizarre freak-show couple concocted mixtures of horrendous combinations of drugs and chemicals to produce freak-show offspring. I thought of this story today but I don't know exactly why. That's a great thing about good stories- you think about them. I've gotten some fabulous lines from your writings, my 500 friends. Today -Fear ruins everything good. Isn't that true? Why is fear so prevalent in our every day lives anyway? I should clarify- I'm not talking about real fear for our lives fear, but the disabling type of fear of the future fear. Fear of commitment fear. Fear of the unknown outcome fear. These days I'm just goin for it whenever I can. Blah blah blah. I don't have a cool story today or even a cohesive one, obviously. I want to go visit my son who is living and working in Shanghai. Mostly, I miss him terribly because we always hung out when he was here (which wasn't that often in the last few years) He has been to tons of foreign countries and lived in NY (went to college there) as well as Chicago and London. He's a nomad but not like a homeless wanderer. He's a hard working (read: ridiculous student loan debt) wonder. I have reaped the benefits of seeing places I may not have seen because he was there. But China. I'm somewhat fearful to go but I have no concrete reason. Thats the fear I'm talking about. He hasnt settled anywhere yet, (as in like proudly decorating an apartment) for more than a few months since college. Such a different life than mine! I've lived in this old house for 29 years now and I don't even LOVE the town I live in. Go figure. I sometimes paint words and phrases on old barn wood. People pay me for them. It's pretty cool. I love words. You would think I might know some other languages...but I don't. I often draw words in my journals. When I was young I associated colors with days of the week. It's Saturday today and Saturday is a lovely blueish green day. I need to be productive today because I have so much I have neglected lately. I dislike the nagging feeling in my brain of chores I am behind on. Not chores like regular cleaning, but like.... taxes. Why oh why do I put things off? Also why do we still change the clocks? I hate the time change thing. So pointless. I like my lightness in the morning, thank you. ok. thats my story today. x #500wordsaday
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I didn't always love reading short stories. I felt that when they were good, I was always left wanting more. (but what happened?) Then somewhere along the way, I read a book of them by Lorrie Moore, I think, and I decided I loved them. I devoured short collections constantly. Nowdays I still read them and find them to be amazing and entertaining. That is what it is like in this group, a lot of the time. I have determined that a LOT of you writers are around my children's ages. That makes it even better. I love young people. Life today in your twenties and thirties is different from what my own was, mostly due to technology (and wonderful/horrible things like life with phone.) It is really fabulous that we can google literally anything, find our way literally anywhere, become somewhat knowledgable on any subject at the type of a keypad. I am glad that I lived without this luxury AND live with it, because it's fabulous to know both worlds. Babies/kids now will never have lived without this tech-life. I feel lucky to have grown up with encyclopedia britannica (those impossibly huge books) as my google. Having to wear a watch if we needed to get home on time. I also love the internet's ease and the phone IS my watch. I like e-mail. And I still send letters to people. (want one?? Message me your address and I will send you real mail:) So I feel lucky to enjoy both worlds! A few years ago we tried to get my (then about 85) mother to learn to use a cell phone."You know, in case you're outside or you fall and can't get to your phone which sits on the desk.'' It was even FREE, provided to senior citizens, a simple flip type phone with large numbers... She just could not do it. My son, my sister and myself all tried with her..."look how easy- just press 1 and you can call me...press 2 and you can call her"... nope. the cell phone was sent back (it's free, mom you don't HAVE to return it) but she wasnt having it. Is it generational or stubbornness? When my kids were little, I consciously made a decision to not be my mother. Of course, she sometimes made an appearance when I least expected it...but I was almost always aware of it. I wanted a different relationship with my kids than I had with my mum. I think she did the best she knew how to at the time. She was not abusive. But the negative attitude and the berating was not something I wanted to pass on to them. I was raised with the general idea that children were deserving of no respect based on the fact that they were children. I seriously disagree with that concept. My kids have taught me a lot. At least as much as I taught them and maybe more and I love that technology allows us to remain in touch so often, even from the other side of the world! What a perfect feeling it was to witness my kids surpassing my accomplishments and certainly my expectations! Nothing better. x #500wordsaday Day 9 Today
I'm kinda tired of writing. Do I stop at 9 or muddle through with something I don't like and try to keep going? I originally commited to 15....half of the project requirement, so if I stop at 8....that's half of the half! I do realize that one of the purposes behind this challenge is to challenge. However, I am tired of being challenged. Today I saw some very good friends who comprise a group we call Makers. The Makers are 6 of us who sell art of some sort. We are many leveled, one of us supports herself exclusively this way, and the rest of us do other things as well. We all met one another through various avenues. Only one of them I have known for a very long time. We were friends when we were 10 years old, then didn't see each other for ages. Reconnected through art. All the rest of us met fairly recently but we have become quite close and their friendships are very important to me. Friends are so crucial to my life. Isn't it interesting to think about why we are drawn to some people and become friends? I am absolutely sure I wrote about this subject -friendships- in another 500 words time. Maybe last year. Have ANY of you seen the Punchdrunk production called 'Sleep No More'? It is in NY and also in Shanghai currently. It is technically a dance production. It is something called immersive theater, in which the audience members follow the cast around throughout the production which is set in an old 5 or 6 floor hotel called The McKittrick (NY) and have limited (strange) interaction. It's pretty amazing. People called superfans see the show over and over and over. They never tire of it because it is different every night in a sense. Plus they are obsessed. I'm not obsessed with much. Right now I feel I am obsessed with reading these essays, but I can't think of anything else I am obsessed with. I actually love seeing live theater and dance. It is something I have enjoyed forever. I need to make time to do that more. Today it snowed a little. Exactly one week ago I was in sleeveless sunshine. Soon I will be back to the regular nine to five. (which is 7:30 to 4,5 or 6.) and I won't be spending hours reading posts so I shall enjoy it while I am here. That's as close as I'm getting to 500. But I don't even think the point is "500"...I think it's the spending time writing so I'm good for another one and I sometimes go over anyway. I opt to use the rollover plan. x #500wordsaday Day 8. I'm still here!
A lot of people in this group are involved in the yoga world, Ive observed. Yoga is quite an interesting and wonderful thing. I came to know yoga late in life, only about four years ago. I've seen quite an array of variation and inequality in it. I always assumed yoga was yoga. How wrong that assumption would be! As in everything, there are great and horrible yoga classes/instructors...and everything in between. I'm lucky to have found one that is so right for me. Sometimes when there is a sub or I attend a different class, this is reaffirmed. I think one of the (many) reasons I love it so much is the mental part, the way my brain will work and connecting the thoughts to the body. Someone wrote (amazingly) today about body image and loving their body. I really love that because for years I didn't love my body. (Who did?? no one did!) Females in our culture are forever having controversy, dialog and disgust especially with all the comparison and competition, self-enforced naturally, and although I never suffered through eating disorders, many of the people I knew did. I was just quite dissatisfied with my self. Fast forward to now. Today I am so happy to HAVE a body that works. for the most part. (now see- why did I add "for the most part"?) It works! It fucking works wonderfully. Coming to know yoga really has helped me accept and appreciate what I have here under this head. I could lament the fact that it took me sooooooo long and I 'wasted' years loathing how I 'looked' or my inflexibility but that's a bit of wasted time. So instead I am grateful. Really grateful that today I appreciate what this not-perfect-by-any- commercial- standard body can do. Today it is so windy, more than normal-windy. This wind is a force! I'm distracted by hearing the porch door being blown open and slamming. It's a hassle to try and walk in it, even. It tried to blow my little car out of my lane this morning! But it's sunny! I'm reminded of how much stronger nature is than us. Isn't it fascinating how our minds work? ^That bit about today's weather just thrown in with a post about life changing yoga. It's all connected, though. That's another thing I like about what yoga gives to me. Everything is sort of linked. The weather around us, our past, our present, our future, this group of writers, the coffee that's delicious, the cat acting weird (is it the wind??), the friendships, the funny stuff, the fact that I bought oreos today, the art I need to complete....and on and on and on. It is all part of the same thing! What a world. x #500wordsaday Day 7. go on out.
Am I depressed? I don't really know. I read about a lot of conditions...depression being just one of them and I wonder.... Is that my problem? I don't know. It seems as though my life goes through these ebbs and flows of emotions and states and I always just thought it was "normal" as in, everyone has that. Is anyone just content...as in comfortable and fulfilled and not anxious about what is around the corner? Is that why self-medication is so popular, because we're not? When I was a little girl I played outdoors a LOT. It was what we did. I am from that generation (you've all heard it, Im sure) that was turned loose on bikes, roller skates, skateboards or our feet after breakfast on summer mornings, and returned home either for food or at dark. No worries. Weird to think about now, but not even a THING to think about then. (why? I wonder) So we had many, possibly dangerous adventures outside. In nature. I believe this is what formed my love of the natural world. I still think being outdoors is a great thing. I wish everyone had the opportunity to freely explore fields and woods and streams as children.( Re-reading that makes me sound like such a 58 year old hippie...) but honestly, what feels better than fresh air or sunshine or water or breezes? People often say life was easier then...simpler. I don't necessarily agree that it was easier OR simpler, just different sets of problems. Weren't people depressed? Weren't they still unhappy and unsatisfied? I think they must have been. I remember as a teenager going to a beautiful wooded area just to be. Away from other people I hated that day. Was that a self-medication? Of course I did drugs (ugggh more than I like to think about between ages 18-23ish) but I don't know exactly why I did them, other than my friends did them. Could something as simple as being outdoors actually help people to feel good, to feel right ? I am aware of chemical imbalances (and I have no problem with people who have found relief with pharmaceutical remedy.) I just wonder about the simplicity of being in nature and how it makes you feel good. I guess there's the issue of "no free time" as well. I know people who will say 'I dont have any TIME to take a walk in nature...I've got this huge job/client/deadline and I'm tired as hell and my babies need me and my kid(spouse-animal-whatever) wants to eat and I dont even have a MINUTE to myself..." I don't know what to say to that but if we placed a high value on the self-medicating of a walk in the woods (on the beach-whatever) wouldn't we make a bit of time for that? I just think maybe being outside is more important than ever in this time where it seems unimportant. So. Am I depressed?? Eh, who knows. x #500wordsaday Day 1. Getting old.
I've been thinking a lot about aging. The aging process. The natural evolution that we all go through. I am 58 years old, and when I was young I thought 58 was pretty damn old. Now I have friends who are in their 60s and they seem as if they're 30. My mum is 90. She says she wants to die and be done with it all. I get that, but of course it's not my call. She's apparently still got some livin' in her because after this last stroke and her current stint in the rehab hospital....she appears stronger than before. I've written about this and other problems related to this recently and frankly, I'm tired of hearing my own thoughts about it. But I will say I hope I live just long enough. My life is more than half over! I've got to get moving here. I've still got lots to do before the end. When do I think I'm gonna do it? My kids are grown. My time is now. I still feel pretty young in my head. I wonder how much different I actually am (in my brain) now than I was at 30. I'm smarter... but am I really any different? Think how frustrating it is to be 90 (or whatever) and want to do the same enjoyable things you used to, but your body denies you. A hike, a movie...a dinner in the city, a ballet. A yoga class. A weekend trip to NY. It seems unfair that you would still have the same brain/wants but be in no physical way able to do them. It seems like you should just want to nap or walk a few feet to the mailbox...perhaps read a large-print book. Because you could do those things. But life can be cruel. And so I am consciously making the effort to not put off the things I want to do. At 58 (and young! At heart!) I can do most anything I want. Tomorrow I am flying to L.A. to visit my youngest. It was a spontaneous decision born of a text from him a month ago, saying he missed me and wished I was there. I only have a couple days...but who cares? Adventure is my drug of choice these days. The snow is flurrying in cold gray illinois and its been a particularly difficult February. And I'm sure not getting any younger. As for 500 words a day, I am surprised that I am doing this go round with the challenge. I will be irritated if I don't finish it ... I have enjoyed it in the past though. Like Kirk, I have never regretted writing. But I may limit my expectations to 15 days this time with the option to add the remaining 15 if possible. Giving myself a little out, there. x #500wordsaday A strange winter. In every sense! 60 degree temps in mid- February in northern Illinois for one thing! Friends, you'll never catch me complaining much about the weather. I actually like weird weather and seeing what happens. But it's a weird winter in other ways as well. I had high hopes of accomplishing many things while I was off work this winter...now I am letting those expectations go. I DID do some of it. But the advent of my mum's latest situation has changed things a bit. She had a small stroke apparently, mid Feb. and lost the use of her right arm. She is still in a rehab hospital (which is an amazing thing actually-rehab hospital) and it is a bit over an hour drive for me. I feel guilty if I don't go see her every day. But I just can't, so I'm driving there every other day. Of course, at 90 there is quite a bit that needs to be done, even without a hospital visit.
My mum has 6 children all still living. 4 of us participate in her life, 2 of those from afar. The bulk of her care coming from my sister and myself, as we are geographically close. I am struggling to find a way to forgive the 2 that don't participate in her life. My brothers. For many years now they have not telephoned her once just to see how she's doing. My mum is not the easiest person, it's true...but IF they had made this one small effort throughout these last few years...a call every month or so...what a difference it would have made to her. I believe she would have a different attitude and be healthier. It is so sad for me to picture my 90 year old mum sitting quietly by herself and thinking about this. and I know she has. What mum wouldn't? It has turned her bitter towards them, but I think that is just a natural defense mechanism as the years rolled on and she became more accustomed to their absence of caring about her life. They sometimes would see her once a year at Xmas but even that has died, as my brother in Illinois refused to take a day off work to come for his yearly sighting. I find myself so angry with them. It feels so unfair to her. I know it does me no good to dwell on this and feel these feelings, I know I'm only hurting myself. In writing this, I am hoping to reveal to myself a way to let this go. My sister and I have talked about it. I've discussed it with friends. I still feel these feelings of bitterness and resentment towards them, regarding this issue. It's safe to say that apart from this, I genuinely love my brothers and have had good relations and humor with them. What makes people do (or not do) the things they do? Age old question. Mums love their kids more than any old thing, no matter what the age. Call your mum today if you still can! It'll make her day. x Well well well. February is a beast of a month. I've long suffered with winter months...Feb. is always my hardest.
This year seems to be especially difficult, emotionally, with all that's gone wrong with our country. America. Land that I love. Land that is threatened and mistreated and destroyed on the daily. And land that I now am embarrassed to say I am a part of, with such a "leader". However...this is not to be a political post. This is a post to celebrate my friends. I have written before on the value of friends in my life...I have sung the praises of people who uplift me and support me and make me feel alive. Never before has this been more important to my well being. My friends are the people who keep me going. In every sense. Thank you to each and every one of you, near and far, who honestly may or may not know how much you help me. I think that without friends, whether they be your sibs, your kids, your childhood buddies, your work cronies, your new friends or your oldest friends.... no one would be healthy. So thank you from the bottom and the top of my heart to ALL of you. Hi friends. I've been a tad down since watching my president's farewell address (from Chicago!) I just dread the upcoming few years ahead... for obvious reasons. President Obama was the greatest president I am sure I will ever witness in my lifetime. Such an eloquent, intelligent and graceful, kind person. As a country, I'm sure we didn't deserve him, and considering what's coming next... I can only cringe with a pit in my stomach. I am not extremely political but I am well-read. I do know what I believe and I know a good person when I witness them. I also don't condone blatant disrespect for any minorities based on ignorance or fear...also known as bigotry or prejudice. ANYWAY.... BIGGGGGGG NEWS,
Today we found some mouse poop (!!) in our silverware drawer. Uggggh. Of course I had to take EVERY.THING. out and boiling water wash it.... which caused me to discover that we have 12 bottle/can openers of varying degrees... and guess what. We use the bottle opener mounted in the cabinet mostly. hah. But also we have tiny tiny "corn" forks and a 'butter slicer' and some contraption that neither Gregg nor I could figure out what it's purpose is.... all of which are clean and going to goodwill. Now our silverware is on the counter. And 2 mouse traps are in said drawer.... But here's the thing. As much as I DON'T want mouse in house....I feel kinda bad for setting a trap. I mean, they're just being mice....doing mice things. I have cats. Jeeeez. C'mon. But those mice are sly characters....(How are they even coming IN to the drawer???) In other news....I was able to clean the entire kitchen pretty much, due to this unfortunate incident. I will keep you updated. Cuz I know you wanna know. :D So. I am not a big New Years Eve celebrater...never was really. I tend to like my bed at an early hour when i'm at home, and going out always involves driving home on the scariest drunk- driving night. I am a fan of resolutions, though I tend to make them more often in the Spring. Winter in Illinois is pretty dismal and not conducive to the feel-good-goal making stuff of New Years resolutions. But I always make some. Last year I made monthly ones. This year I'm old school.
so here are 17 things I resolve to do next year: 1. make more art. 2. write more. and read more books. (learn more stuff) 3. take more classes at my Y. perhaps even swim...(however, this will involve buying a bathing suit...) 4. eat healthier for real. 5. organize my work space better. (who wants a piano? I will get rid of the piano this year) 6. be more open to other ideas. (I tend to like mine) 7. visit friends that live in other states. 8. go to museums ( including art institute!) 9. give stuff away. 10. fix the yard. 11. be more patient with my mum. 12. save some money for a trip. (I'm such a bad saver) 13. sell my signs. (alllll of them, then I can do #12) 14. go on another epic adventure. (This was a highlight of 2016 for me...short trip to NY with an old friend) 15. work on the upstairs bedrooms.... BIG job. 16. be nicer. yeah I'm pretty nice already. But I could be so much nicer. 17. get a passport. HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my friends, whether you read this or not, and to all my customers. I am so grateful. . |
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