Day 6
First off, I would like to say that in only ONE day away, I feel so behind in the reading of these pieces, it's crazy! Today I was actually gone all day and feel like now I will never catch up to all of the wonderful reads posted on here and may somehow miss some, as there are so many great reads on here on the daily.( On The Daily. Don't you love that phrase? ) I'll prob be up all night. So today I attended a Garden Center Symposium which is a presentation of a bunch of speakers in our industry who have something (hopefully good) to share with us. There's also a trade show of people selling their wares... Anyway the perennial plant nursery that I am employed with seasonally (not this current cold season :) likes this sort of education and so do I. Plus it IS January and friggin negative 9 degrees out which makes it lovely to go almost anywhere that is garden related. Here's my story. This year I looked at the list of speakers and was thoroughly uninspired. I only knew one of them and I know (or know of ) A LOT of people in this industry. It's like anything that you do for a long ass time... you get to know the big names. Today, though, I ended up being very pleasantly surprised. Just about every single presentation was awesome! I was inspired and felt like I gained insight to some new fresh ideas and actually left feeling quite happy that I went. Funny how we can let our weird expectations get in our own way, isn't it? This is true in my regular life as well. If I could just go into every experience NOT expecting something in particular, imagine... I would rarely be disappointed! It's just hard to not have expectations, isn't it? I wonder why we do that. I feel like expectations get in the way of so many life experiences. Expecting GOOD and feeling DISAPPOINTED...expecting eh and feeling YAY.... Why don't we just go into each experience, each practice, each event, each occasion with NO expectations!? Expectations have gotten me in trouble before. Not like birthday/anniversary/someone do the dishes day expectations.... More like 'why aren't people sane and logical LIKE ME expectations. Why don't people know that shaming someone or insulting someone does NOT give them the result they desire? Why is it, in any way, something to glorify, being hateful or rude publicly (or privately for that matter) ? Why does someone expect to gain popularity and love by being a bully or a complete asshole? I have never understood it. But I see it. American politics.(Trump?? for real???? WHAT THE HELLLLLLL ) Commercialism. Middle school. Upper management. It's common. I am trying to be a person without expectations from here on in. Trying. (the KEY word). Because I think I will be happier this way. and I want to be happier whenever possible. I mean, who doesn't? Tomorrow is day two of the symposium. Lets hope (but not expect) that I am as inspired as today. x #500wordsaday
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Day 5
...Insomnia. such an uncomfortable condition, at least for me. I've struggled with lack of good sleep for so many years, I don't remember if I ever was a good sleeper. This writing group is not helping...I lay awake pondering things I've read in here and think about whatever that makes me think about in turn, for hours. Well,last night anyway. But don't feel guilty, fine writers, I have plenty to occupy my weary brain without you. The problem is I fall asleep just about an hour before I should get up when this happens. So obviously I feel crappy and lethargic and out of sorts. (again). Coffee is fabulous though, and so is sunlight. I do wonder though,why I cannot turn off my thoughts. In the Spring, when I go back to regular work and I'm fairly exhausted at night, I do sleep better. If I have to catch a plane or go somewhere I havent been before, I can guarantee a fairly sleepless night prior. I wouldn't call myself a nervous person, ironically...just too full of thoughts. My proverbial cup runneth over. and over. and over. Sleep is so precious, such a wonderful thing when it happens. I really love it... and I love my bed. Lately, I've taken to just letting thoughts be instead of trying, consciously to "go to sleep". ME:go to sleep, dammit. its 2:34 and I'm tired and what the hell is wrong with me anyway?? MY BRAIN: why does my wrist hurt so much now? Do I have the dreaded carpal tunnel syndrome? I wonder why G is still up, its so late...what the heck is he doing?how cool to talk to randy today...poor old dog out in the cold,who does that?what are these people really like that write these brilliant compositions?hope Ian is alright always thinking about his well being.do people still play checkers?remember that one time at the pool?now my shoulder hurts,wtf. I hate being old. but not old like grandma but still.wouldnt it be cool to get that job,that lauren talked about at yoga?but i could really make a mess of writing words on a wall couldn't I? ugggg.tomorrow will be fun but i don't have a project to bring(loser) not really but those guys all do lap sized art and I don't.still. seeing those girls will be great.hope i wake up on time.Twas nice to be invited to play ladies pool but i actually don't want to make the effort and don't much care for pool anyway and i hope they don't think less of me but i don't even know most of them anyway so do I care and im seriously trying not to care what people think of me but I still do care.(INSERT RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT A BOOK IM READING).... And so on and so on and so on. You get the idea. So how do you guys deal with insomnia? Throw out some ideas, I would love to hear them. x #500wordsaday Day 4.
Every day I surprise myself by doing this again. Fabulous. Today my middle (grown) kid got a job choreographing a piece for the students at his own old performing arts high school. This is pretty cool, considering the myriad of emotional years that have passed since he went there. I'm very proud of him, although he has chosen THE most difficult career path (my opinion, I know) which is Dance/choreography ALL while making money. And not just like normal money...but enough to pay monthly student loan bills as large as a mortgage. (while still having a mortgage) Well, actually a rent payment since he couldn't possibly commit to an actual HOUSE with a LOCATION that doesn't change. He called a huge suitcase "home" for the past 20 months,while being employed in Europe. Totally cool sounding I agree. I used to jokingly say he has the life I was meant to have. Only it's kind of true. He is an amazing and talented hard worker and I don't begrudge him anything he has earned. But still. It's a funny thing, when your (grown) kids are going through a messy, sad or uncomfortable time...you sort of feel helpless since they ARE adults and well, you really can't fix this shit at all anyway...but the thing is you still feel like you WANT to. I sure am using a lot of CAPITALIZED words today. Anyway, I think the reward is when they are going through a great, optimistic and fantastic time you get to bask a little in that sunlight as well. So I'm basking right now with this one. It's been a while. I wonder if I will ever feel satisfied and completely at peace with my own life. So many of my years were devoted to raising (great) kids that I didn't really notice how the time slipped away. Well, it didn't really slip, did it?. It vanished. So much of my fulfillment came to me through my children, honestly. When they're small you're busy doing things for/with them and the days fly by. Then when they became older, so much happiness came from seeing where they went, making their own ways... (No, it wasn't always jolly and rosy-there were plenty of screaming swearing fuckin bullshit days where I was pretty sure I was causing permanent damage to their psyche...) (one time my 3 and I left the library screaming and crying on a particularly awful PMS day and we ALL remember this day,even though we laugh about it NOW ,I still cringe a little bit...) But hey. THAT'S life. I am 57 now and just recently started doing some stuff for me. Yoga. Painting. This writing thing. Some other stuff. I've never liked the phrase "finding myself" (sorry if you do) It just sounds so stupid, "finding myself"... I mean, I've been lost of course, like everyone but 'finding myself'? But I suppose that's exactly what I'm doing. Yikes. Hopefully I will continue to make progress in my journey, and not go backwards. x #500wordsaday DAY #3.
This challenge is really proving interesting to me. I absolutely love reading everyone's writings. Of course I immediately resort to the 'oh no I'm not as good...oh no I suck actually...oh no why am I in this group?' however....I am feeling more and more confident each time I post. I've never written a blog or taken part in anything like this before, but I have written things down my whole life. I have multiple journals and sketchbooks with writings that span years. And I love to read. I love learning so much that I often wonder why I don't have a college degree. It's because I never went to college. I have recently had this struggle within my self about not having gone to college when I had the chance (39 years ago...but still) Of course, I could still do it even at 57 but eh,why bother? Each time I took one of my kids off to start college, I felt so happy and felt like I should be the one there.(ha-imagine that! sorry kid you're goin back home with dad, Its ME that's off to live on campus and hang out in libraries and gyms) I've no idea why I relate my non-success (monetarily and career wise) with college, but I do. My oldest graduated from law school recently and got a fantastic job doing what he was most interested in. His long time girlfriend is pursuing her PhD at a prestigious college. Sometimes when I am around her I feel so stupid. It's probably just me and my own insecurities, because I love this girl a lot. Why do I equate intelligence with this college degree thing? I know plenty of intelligent people...almost as many smarties as dumbos...and I don't consider myself a dumbo. (mostly) I am really trying to figure out why I'm so hard on myself. I suppose that's where all these feelings of NOT GOOD ENOUGH come from anyway. So in reading many of your wonderful essays here, I've definitely seen a sort of common thread...even in my own. It is the NOT GOOD ENOUGH voice we all hear ,in different deliveries, for sure. In some way or another, we seem to hear it about something we are doing, not doing, someone we are with or not with, anyone who is a parent hears it regularly. I'm tired of hearing it in my own head, frankly. I think I'm going to work on silencing that fucker. Anyway part of what I like about this exercise of writing daily is how the thoughts just come out randomly. I mean I wasn't planning to write about the NOTGOODENOUGH thing when I started this one. BUT here's what just happened- so because I am not the most tech-savvy human and no kids were home to ask, I found this 'word counter' thingy when I started this 500wordsaday project. I happened to glance over at the side bar just now and it says "reading level-7-8th grade". Immediately, I thought OMG I am writing YA stuff... (NOTGOODENOUGH) but upon further investigation, I have learned that "The only thing the Reading Level tries to do is give an indicator of the education level a person would need to be at in order to understand the words you’re using in your writing." phew. I think. x #500wordsaday Day 2- I've now actually made TWO posts!!!! WOOOOHOOOO Today I am thinking about the past and how hugely it affects us in all these ways we don't even know. I have an almost 90 year old mum and I take her grocery shopping and on errands once a week...not because I have the greatest relationship with her, but because she's 90 and most of my siblings ignore her and/or live far away....and for some reason this has fallen to me. She has never driven (what?? I know...) so was always somewhat dependent on others or public transport. I have wished throughout the years that I had one of those best-friends-with-your mum relationships but I don't. She's actually a pretty negative and hateful person. I always strived to be the opposite in my child rearing days. Consciously. These days, I have become aware of how lonely she is and it makes me quite sad. I wonder if she thinks about how she'd do things differently now, knowing what she knows about her (non)relationships with most of her grown kids. I mean I definitely love her but wouldn't say we are truly close, if that makes sense. An old friend of mine called me today and we laughed and laughed talking about the hilarity and ridiculous things we used to do while working together about 15 years ago. Shelley and I are very close, but don't talk often. It made me think about how our past relationships mold who we become and I am truly lucky to have such a vast array of wonderful friends and kids who affect my personality in such a positive manner. Relationships. We have soooo many of them really, from close in depth ones to just the relationship you have with the super nice girl at your grocery that you see every Saturday (with your complaining mum). I wonder about the guy at the Y, who I see twice a week and seems genuinely somewhat retarded but obviously gets around on his own...I wonder about the woman I used to work for who I adored, but she got into a bizarre cult-like relationship with a dangerous guy...I wonder about my boys' lovers....I wonder about my own OLD lovers....mostly my first boyfriend who I haven't seen or talked to in like 30 some years...I wonder about my art- making friends who I totally admire and am slightly envious of....I wonder about that boy Michael who used to work at K-Mart years and years ago who dressed like a girl (and looked pretty good) and back then in that small town, how brave he was to be himself.....I wonder about the people who buy my signs (thank you!!!) and what they think about them later.....It just never ends, the wondering. Which I actually like, because A) it means my brain is still functioning (no early onset alzheimers which is one of my biggest fears and those recent well written books that have come out lately about this dont help...) and B) it means probably that some weird relationship-people from my life are probably wondering about me! I feel so much gratitude. x #500wordsaday 2 Comments Shelley Isenhart 1/15/2016 19:24:32Love you and our crazy, fun relationship! Oh, and a reply to B) I do think of you often usually followed by a chuckle. The memories from our Flowerwood days will hopefully stay with me forever. Thanks for sharing! Today I am feeling out of sorts. When my kids were small we used to say "out of sorts" to describe all sort of maladies. My situation feels so stupid to be honest, because it feels unjustified somehow. Being a seaonally affected person, I am not surprised to feel shitty (without obvious reason) in the January-February months. But honestly, things aren't going too badly.
I decided,rather impulsively to try this '500 words a day' thingy I saw posted on a site I enjoy called 'kale and cigarettes'. (Who wouldn't love that name?) So, as I do not fancy myself a "writer", it should be interesting. I figure I'll post it (for now anyway) to my blog here on the barnwords website since that way no one will see it. HA. I've been really wondering about happiness lately. I mean I think I am a pretty happy person, but whenever I read incredibly thoughtful and well articulated articles (posts,quotes, tiny books given as xmas gifts...) I start to question it. AM I happy? I'm certainly not doing everything I wish to. Are other people happy? Social media gives such a false front to everyones lives that I never really know who is genuinely happy and who is miserable. Based on posts my 'friends' and friends make... who knows? So, is happiness just feeling content with our lives? Is it the wonderful feeling you get when you help someone -really help them? Is it just a fluctuating state of mind? We all strive for it. "I just want to be happy" "do what makes you happy" One thing I would argue with forever is that statement about money , you know the one. I believe that YES money can buy my happiness. If I was debt-free or NEVER worried about how to pay this or that, (should i buy it? should I return it?) I think I could be SO MUCH FREAKING HAPPIER. I don't even care too much about buying crap, believe me, I mostly would want a garage (winter scraping the car/summer in the blazing hot sun...) We used to have one. THAT'S an entire story in itself. and let's not even talk about my kids student loan debt. That is one of the most depressing things I think about. So. I want to feel good and healthy and energetic and satisfied and pain-free and not in the giant debt-hole and then I guess I will be so happy. I started practicing yoga a couple of years ago. I do find that I feel a state of happiness after an hour plus of a yoga session. I also feel happiness when my kids achieve something amazing, (lucky me-I've gotten to experience this multiple times!) I'm generally happy when seeing or being in nature. Cliche as that may sound, the unbelievable beauty outside has cheered me often. I feel happy when someone pays me for my art. Reading makes me happy and so do a handful of inspiring people who are my friends. ohhh I forgot my bed. Getting into my bed makes me happy. So maybe I just need to do yoga, go outside, read books and visit my dear friends and go to bed. Wow, solved my problem, I did. Happiness is a bit of a mystery. Thanks for reading! x #500wordsaday |
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